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Waiting..
waiting on the world to change

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Dreamy .




unspoken .

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Καλώς ήρθατε!
watch out as the day passes by

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Tuesday, May 27, 2008
8:42 AM

Ok.

So I'm back.

Still holding on. Supposed to be sleeping, but I can't sleep.

Hillsong was brilliant. Never had a time like that since FOP last year. Well Fusion this year was supposed to be special...but it keeps bringing me to a different perspective.

Gave it all I had. Had a sorethroat and my limbs were aching after the concert. And it's also pretty stressful juggling between two groups of friends...man Noelle you weren't alone. Man, miss hanging out with the seniors. It's been a long time, yea it was since FOP I went for an outing like that. And after the concert I was supposed to meet the rest at T3, but they went to T1 instead, so I decided to go back.

And I also went for cell. Coincidentally the video Edmund Bek showed was strangely related to what I was going through. And yep, lotsa catching up. Talking to Edmund, Justin. Yep. Hanging out in Caltex pass 10 again. And buying my milk tea. Haha. But alot of people were overseas also anyway. Daniel, Prash, Ben. Yep. And it's kinda odd not seeing everyone in school uniform anymore. Like Damien and Xavier would be in white and navy blue. So will Josh and Luke. Yep, and people like Becky and Choey would be in Mg uniform. But now they're all in their jc uniform, home clothes, whatever have you. Man I feel like a kid! =D

And sunday. Well going on a lunch date with Noelle was cool. Edmund Tan (Notice I'm putting surnames cause it can get confusing at times) joined us soon after that too. Haha man it was the sunday he finally came and I didn't sing in the choir. How screwd up am I...haha. Yep, and choir practice was cosy. I mean, a cosy feeling I guess. Small crowd. Oh yea and dear Noelle didn't sing too cause of her sore throat. But it's getting better now.

FYI I'm not typing the events in order. Just rambling.

And I'm totally in love with the Saviour King.

As in, not the song.

The Real Saviour King.

Haha I've been pulling through and it's because of Him. Slowly picking up the pieces again. Going back to what I've been doing. Like faithfully going for cell on fridays (I hope), being able to juggle between my 2b2 06 friends (Chia, Zach, KKP, Barney, DJ, JD, Nico, Mitch), 07 batch (Xavier, Damien, Bin Soon, Matt Ong, Prash, D.Ang, other cell mates and seniors), BBB [Last B stands for brothers, btw](BT, JK, JP, BC, JL, others). Aye too tired to tpe all the names. It's hard, but I hope they all understand...I'm caught up in different world nowadays. So yep.

And I read the history of the Greco-Persian War today. I'm officially a nerd. Whoopie.

And Leonidas and Aristodemus are cool people.

I wanna be a spartan. Hawhaw wild dream.

Already revised for chem spa tomorrow.

Guess I'll drown myself in a game of Dawn Of War.


Sunday, May 18, 2008
9:49 AM

I'm feeling useless again.

Well, at least saturday was fun. Yep, Lazer Tag at Punggol Primary. Didn't turn out to be BQ at all, heh wrong info. And before that I had some other enrolment parade rehearsal also. Gosh, haven't played the drums for so long. Feels good again. Jammed abit with Weyshi also. I'm kinda looking forward to PND now, though I know I can't cope.

Lazer Tag was brilliant too. Teaching and helping out, with friends like Bryant, Xavier, Saiful. Haha pretty cool. And the dinner and everything, great. Walking around the shopping mall too. Reflecting back at life. Sharing their experiences with me. Kinda understand how they miss it all. I miss it all too. Man, all the fun stuff happens in their batch. Why couldn't I be born 10 months before...oh well. But yea, it was great hanging with them. And I won't be seeing Bryant for 3 weeks. He's going off on holiday for 3 weeks. Crazy, ain't it. =p

And there're so many things I wanna post about saturday. Just that I'm not in the mood now.

I don't feel accomplished. Saturday's was one of the times I felt useful again, like as if someone finally acknowledged I was there. It's that feeling again, that I've lost along the way all this while. That pride, passion.

But now, it's back to square one.

Coincidentally Mr Mak sent an email with a powerpoint around this topic.

Going back to the start. It hurts.

I've not been talking to Noelle properly lately. And I don't know why I can't cheer her up anymore. I can't do what I did in march. Why didn't I even notice she was disappointed.... I can't think of anything now...and it hurt me when she said I was making her upset.

I can't really save anyone, can I...

And that phonecall on friday...I really blew it.

I've been screwing up this whole while.

Why

I'm throwing my second chances away

Why

I guess that's why I've been turning to friends. 2B2 06s, seniors, ex bsf mates.

I'm trying to get my old life back...I still can't accept change.

I'm slowly breaking down here.

And I try picking myself up with worldly things...

And I guess only Saiful knows what I'm talking about...

I'm such a dumbass.

I've lost my true ability...whatever happened to that drumming spirit. That passion for people, to be a blessing?

All I'm doing is hurting now...I know running away won't help...

But I can't find my strength anymore...

I don't feel like it's me anymore...like...I don't feel appreciated at all...and the friends I've been making...are they really right in the sight of God?

Sometimes people disappoint me...

I remember when he said that God spoke to him. I felt encouraged, and inspired to move on. I remember the leadership he took in ltc. I respected him. And the ideas he had of helping me. And I remember when he promised he'd raise 800 bucks for the council. And when he had ideas of leading worship.

I was so looking forward to it.

But it never happened.

I'm so confused with my trust now.

Have I been walking rightly?

I want my past back.

My old friends.

My old family.

My old talents.

My old achievements.

My old memories.

My old me.

I guess I'll never get them back.

That innocence...

Hafta keep pressing on.

Like what that powerpoint slide(sounds cheesy, I know) said..it's not easy.

But pick up the pieces of your shattered hopes and dreams, put them all together and move on.

I've never wanted this ending.

But hey, it's barely the start.

Btw...was woken up by my phone ringing....yep and an sms saying someone sent me an email.

Read it already...I really wanna do my best to make up...but so many things going on.

And so I decided to post.

I wanna be an encouragement to people...I've been trying hard...but most of the time I don't even know when to start...

I'm just a sad song....

And everyone's singing along.


Tuesday, May 13, 2008
8:20 AM

There I go again.

The stupid things I do.

Why am I always like that?

I hate myself for hurting them.

Hurting her, especially.

I'm regretting a whole lot now.

I need a love that never fails.

My own love has failed.

Failed me.

Failed her.

Just wanna say sorry.

I've always relied on the help of other people.

When am I gonna stand up for myself.

How am I gonna do things myself.

Why do I want to be independent, when I can't even last a single second.

There're so many things I think I know.

Forgiveness.

How can a sin be forgiven?

Have you ever tried?

'Maybe you need to forgive yourself first'

Here I go rambling.

Just needed to type out something.

Why can't I just learn.

Without humility, you'll never learn.

Second chances.

Prayers.

Never noticed that inner beauty in her.

I'm freakin regretting a whole lotta shit here.

And I've got a whole list of people to apologise to.

Well, I'm pretty experienced in this.

I meant the pissing people off part.

Right.

Always wanted to make a change.

And this is how I change it.

Great.

What a dumbass.

Me.

Forgive and forget.

I don't think I can forgive myself for doing that.

It's a war.

In me.

Outside me.

Everywhere.


Wednesday, May 07, 2008
11:21 PM

Alright. Gonna post.

Feels odd. Haven't done this for a long time.

Hmm it's been exams lately. Having lotsa of fun. Haha enjoyed doing my SSH and Geog papers. Other that that it pretty much sucked....especially physics and a maths for obvious reasons haha. And I hope I can do well for my english paper one. Mhm. Supposed to study for chem. Haha dunnoe what to do now. Just played a game of Dark Crusade. Yep Imperial Guards aren't that bad.

Shall start from yesterday. Went to play lan for an hour with Barnabas, Wayne, Brandon, Jerome, Sean, Jun Kai and Ashley. Met other people there too like Eugene, Joseph and more other people. Hawhaw. Yep, played one game of dota, got owned. Haha at least I killed Sean 3 times hahaha k fine. Yep and my kills were higher than my deaths..not that bad. =D

After that went to Wayne's house. Played his 360. And alot of retarded stuff happened while we were there...haha sth about the maid =p. And we're blaming the dog HAHA =p. Yep and Jun KAi kept punching me non-stop. The way I resemble Wayne's punching bag. Wow. Haha but yea I want those kicking things so that I can train. So cool yayee.

After that, went back home. And then went to Bryant's house at like 7.45. Wanted to go way earlier, but couldn't cause he ended work at 6. Heh. Was planning to watch FF7 AC again. Oh well. At least I played his psp for a while...and we were late for Aikido lesson cause Bryant and Gavin were watching Ah Long PTE LTD. Haha quite funny..though I was concentrating more on the psp :D. And I finally got my white belt and gi! Haha yea I'm retarded I know whoopie.

And I learnts lotsa new stuff. Like my first grapple and some hand lock thing...dammit I can't remember japanese terms. Oh well.

Yep, then had supper, and I left early cause I wanted to go home and sleep.

Man, I can't for Hillsongs. And 28 may. And 31 may. ROD. Finally letting go of my sash.

Stupid Spiderman's uncle sayings "With great power comes great responsibilty." Never really understood that till I got hold of the sash. Mhm.

Cycling trip too! I hope it's at East Coast park. Then we can cycle at the runway! Haha so cool.

And a certain song. Numb. Pretty old song. Never really understood it's meaning, till yesterday. Oh well.

Yep.

Febuary stars.

So temporary.

And thanks Noelle for yesterday =)

And I think I'm going to Swee Lee this saturday with Tim and DJ. I wanna buy new sticks. Still considering between 7A(My current one) or getting heavier sticks, like 5A. And I can't find the stickers Kelly gave me last christmas. Man haha now I dunnoe what to stick on my sticks. Haha geddit stick on sticks. Ok wait now it just sounds wrong. Aww man.

Alright. Gonna study chem.

"You see when bonds form right, the particles become happy so they start throwing a party, then they throw party they give out lotsa of energy. So it's exothermic."